Nov 14

5 Reasons You Should NOT Be Giving in to Your Kid’s Tantrums

It’s happened to every parent. You’re at a restaurant or store with your child, they want something and you say “No.” The next thing you know, your kid is throwing a tantrum and making a scene. How you handle this outburst will determine your integrity with your word and impact your child’s respect for your word in the future.

As every parent knows it’s challenging to stay firm–however there are five important reasons you should not give into tantrums.

1. The logical side of a child’s brain isn’t developed – Doctors who study the brain have determined the logical side of a human brain isn’t developed until a person is in their mid-20s! That means your kids, regardless of how mature they appear or how big they get (we are often deceived by our teen’s size) are functioning from a purely emotional state. Our brains are hardwired for instant gratification, and without the logical side of the brain fully developed, a kid will be fixated on the immediate pleasure of a new toy, piece of candy, or whatever is the source of the tantrum. As parents, it’s our job to help them make conscious choices, and when we give in to a tantrum, we are fueling their instant gratification instincts instead of nurturing their ability to plan for the future and think long term.
2. We teach people how to treat us –  When you give in to your child’s tantrum you’re teaching them they can get their way if they yell loud enough or misbehave badly enough. If this behavior continues, as they grow older, you will have taught them they can manipulate you with their outbursts. If the thought of having disrespectful teens in your home makes you cringe, then you must start early.  Create your standards, explain them, talk about consequences and support your kids in following through with respectful behavior.
3. You are shaping their mental muscle – If your child is learning to play an instrument, they need to practice daily. Mindset is a mental muscle that also needs to be practiced. To help kids grow and mature, they need an opportunity to practice life skills. Being told “no, you can’t have that right now” and being disappointed are all part of life.  Know you are shaping their mental muscle as you help them learn patience, how to follow the rules, and how to respectfully live in a community.
4. Rules matter – For a family to function well together, you need to have rules and standards, and it’s important your children learn from a young age there are consequences to not following those rules. The lessons we teach at home are meant to prepare our kids for living in the world.  It’s vital kids know the meaning of boundaries, that “no” means “no” and respect for the rules is an important part of living in a community.  Home is the first place kids learn about community –  what you teach them there about rules, standards and boundaries they will carry into the world.
5. Disagreement is not confrontation unless you let it be – Most people avoid disagreements because they see it as conflict. The truth is a disagreement doesn’t have to be confrontational. By being clear with your kids about your standards and the consequences for not following them, tantrums will diminish. When you’re getting ready to go to the store, say matter-of-factly to your child, “We are going shopping for school supplies, and a gift for your cousin’s birthday party. We are not going to be looking at candy or toys you want for your birthday. If you start to ask for something, and I say no, you need to listen to me. Do you understand?”  Then together create consequences if they don’t listen.  This idea of creating consequences together gets your child’s buy-in and prevents them from saying the consequence isn’t fair.  That sets the expectations about the reason for the shopping trip, and the consequence of not behaving well. This may not totally stop a disagreement in the store but it will prevent you from feeling the situation is confrontational and dramatically reduce the chances of a tantrum.

Giving into tantrums doesn’t serve you or your child.  The next time you sense an outburst consider the reasons for not giving in, try on a couple of these ideas and monitor changes (in you and your child).  Ultimately the goal is to foster happier, more resilient, and well-adjusted children.

Laura Treonze, serves as Chief Life Strategist with LMT Consulting, which helps executives and teams create massive success through self-awareness. Her life-changing approach has transformed individuals and families and has redefined the way non-profits and corporations “do” business.