Apr 19

Parenting Corner – Having the “sex” talk

Q. My kids are in middle school and my husband and I have been avoiding the “sex talk” but we know it’s time.  Any advice on how to approach this topic with three totally different kids?  

A. Great question! You are right, it is time for the talk; after all they have likely been talking about their bodies and sex in health class since 4th grade.  The first step is getting yourself in the proper mindset for the conversation.  How do you feel about having the “sex talk”?  What apprehensions do you have about having this conversation?  You want to be honest with yourself so you can go into the conversation honest with your children.  If you feel awkward having the conversation let them know; subconsciously it will give them permission to own their feelings on the topic.  The final question to ask yourself is what is the result you want from the conversation?  This question is often overlooked and yet is most important.  Some parents approach the “sex talk” as a dissemination of information from adult to child while others approach it as a chance for their kids to ask questions they may not feel comfortable asking in school.  When you look at this conversation from a broader perspective, you are opening or closing the door of communication with your child about his/her sexual experiences.  For some parents ignorance is bliss; keep in mind if your child can’t come to you to talk about sex, they will talk about it with someone else – typically a friend with little knowledge or experience – or they won’t discuss it at all, which can be emotionally harmful.

With “three totally different kids” it’s important to prepare for three individual conversations.  Preparation is important because you want to approach the topic in a way that is comfortable for each child.  For some children it will be easier to have the conversation than it will be for others.  Some children will prefer a more clinical approach which may mean it’s helpful to have a book handy to reference.  The most important thing to remember during this conversation is to stay curious, ask questions, don’t assume, and most importantly, don’t judge their answers.  Some questions could include:

• Are you noticing any changes in your body?
• What have you learned about sex in school?
• What would you like to know?
• Are there any (sexual) words you have heard that you don’t understand?
• When do you think is an appropriate age for sex?  (Regardless of their answer, continue with curiosity, and ask follow up questions, such as, what makes that an appropriate age for sex?)
• What would you consider an uncomfortable situation with a boy/girl?
• What do you know about sexually transmitted diseases?
• If you decide to have sex, what will you use for protection to prevent pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted diseases?
• What would it take for you to feel comfortable and confident coming to me with any/all sexual questions or concerns you have?

Regardless of how different your kids may be, your ability to support them as they work through body changes and come to you with sexual questions is universal.  The more approachable you are now, the more likely they will be to come to you with questions on this and other difficult topics.

Laura Treonze, serves as Chief Life Strategist with LMT Consulting, which helps executives and teams create massive success through self-awareness. Her life-changing approach has transformed individuals and families and has redefined the way non-profits and corporations “do” business.