Feb 17

Can You Hear Me Now?

Are you being heard in your current relationship?  If you are constantly thinking, can you hear me now?, it’s time to cut through the static and learn to speak so your partner can hear you.

In the past, humans had to hunt for food and fight for territory to survive.  Over time it has become unnecessary to literally hunt and fight but those basic human instincts remain and show up in quite differently.  One of the most obvious forms of hunting is our search for the “ideal” mate  – online, blind dates, bar-hopping are all typical ways to hunt for a partner. Ironically once we have found our “ideal” mate our second instinct kicks in and we spend the majority of the relationship fighting for our territory – personal space, time alone, ideas, values…the list is endless.

Sadly fighting becomes a habitual way of communicating and often we don’t remember what we are fighting about.  Most often people are  fighting to be heard.  

Have you ever said, “it’s as if s/he isn’t listening” or “it’s like s/he doesn’t even hear what I am saying?”  The truth is they don’t hear you because people process information differently.  Fast-paced processors aren’t listening to the details because they’ve moved on to something else (literally or in their mind) while slower paced processors pick out a small piece of the conversation that becomes their focus.  For task orientated thinkers they focus on what “to do” and how “to fix” the situation.  While people orientated thinkers care about feelings and the emotional impact of the situation.

Here is an example of a couple searching for a new home:

Remember we provide information through our way of thinking while others receive it through theirs.  The next time you are not feeling heard ask your spouse, “what can I do so you hear what I’m saying?”  Taking ownership for the communication will open the conversation.  However, even with your most genuine effort, do not be disappointed if the question leaves your partner baffled and unsure how to respond.   For those situations consider recommending one of the following systems of success:

• Create a pattern interrupt – it’s most effective if the pattern interrupt is fun and playful.  It can be a goofy made-up code word like “wakadoodle” or physical touch like lightly biting his/her neck.  Although fun is better, it can also be more serious like “this conversation is no longer productive” or light touch on his/her arm.  Decide in advance what works best for you as a couple.
• Step away – slow paced processors want time to think about the information and formulate a plan to proceed.  It’s important to respect that need for space in advance.  Pre-determine a time limit allowing your partner (and you) to come back to the conversation with a new perspective.
• Get to the point – task orientated, fast-paced thinkers want “just the facts.”  Agree to be specific (without softeners – the extra verbiage we use so we don’t hurt the other person’s feelings) so your partner/spouse can hear you.
• Remove distractions –  with today’s technology important conversations are often interrupted by smart phones, agree in advance to put technology in a different room during discussions.
• Take a breath – most people orientated processors feel if they explain/say more the other person will see their side.  Instead they tend to dominate the conversation preventing the other person from being heard.  Set time limits for making a point so you allow your partner time to to state his/her feelings.

The key is to decide together on a system that works for both of you.  Do not be disappointed in the process or your partner if a system works for a period of time and then doesn’t…simply try something else.  Learning someone else’s communication style is like speaking a different language, it takes time.   When parents teach a baby to speak do they dismiss the child’s efforts after a couple of weeks, months or even a year and decide the baby is never going to speak?  No!  Give your relationship the same benefit.

Through the use of the DISC and behavioral understanding couples can recognize their own behavior and are able create systems for success to communicate more effectively with their partner’s style.  Stop fighting to be heard, for more information on ways to enhance communication at home and at work contact me at Laura@LMTWorthTalkingAbout.com