Oct 10
Coaching is NOT Support: Why Parents Shouldn’t Be Coaching From The Sidelines
Most parents have the best intentions supporting their kids athletic interests – they drive to daily practices and endure countless weekends sitting through all types of weather watching games. Many parents cheer enthusiastically from the bleachers or their chairs, however more and more parents are aggressively coaching their kids from the sidelines. I’m sure you’ve seen them (or maybe you are one of them – I know I have been from time to time) screaming advice to their kids about how to play or cheering so loud it’s a distraction to the game.
The truth is, as I learned recently, it’s not helpful or healthy for your athlete. After a recent track meet my daughter said with great hesitation, “Can I ask a favor, I’m sorry to say this…I know you and Daddy love me and I love how much you support me but can you stop yelling at me when I’m running?” I was surprised my very strong, outspoken daughter was nervous sharing her feelings, and I didn’t realize she felt like we were yelling at her. That got me thinking about all of the quieter kids who feel the same way, but don’t saying anything.
Depending on your child’s behavioral style, your enthusiastic cheering, and calling out your athlete’s name may make them more nervous. Those kids are uncomfortable being in the spotlight, and when the pressure is on, the last thing they want is to be “singled out” with your vocal attention. Some kids don’t want to be told what to do during a game so they will intentionally ignore you or do the opposite. And other kids are so intense your cheering may distract them from their focus.
It’s equally important to remember your student has a coach (and it’s not you) giving them guidance on how to play, and has a strategy for the team that you don’t know about. Sideline coaching can be confusing –you may be giving your child mixed signals, or saying something that contradicts their coach. Often people-pleasing kids will feel pressure to comply with your wishes while trying to follow their coach’s directions, and that’s stressful.
Often the parents who were athletes in high school are the loudest on the sidelines. Even if you were the star athlete when you were young – the technology, tools, and training techniques are radically different today. And your student is not you! We tend to coach (and parent) based on our behavior style and not our kids. It’s likely your approach to playing is different then theirs.
When my daughter shared her feelings, I said “tell me how you want me to support you and I will.” Her response was “limit your cheering to ‘Go Taylor’ and don’t tell me there’s someone behind me or to go faster.” I said, “done, I promise that’s all I will say from now on.” The best way to support your athlete is to ask them how they want to be supported! Most importantly, regardless of their answer, respect what they ask for…and continue to ask because as they grow their preferences may change.
We all love our kids, so show how much you care by asking them what they need and show up on the sidelines in a way that truly supports them – their way!
Laura Treonze, serves as Chief Life Strategist with LMT Consulting, which helps executives and teams create massive success through self-awareness. Her life-changing approach has transformed individuals and families and has redefined the way non-profits and corporations “do” business.
