Feb 17

Help Your Kids STOP the Negative Self Talk

Everyone gets caught up in negative self-talk, the challenge becomes when we can’t stop the chatter despite the pain it causes us.  Even more frustrating (and heart-breaking) is when we hear our kids doing it to themselves and we don’t know how to help.   

For many children it doesn’t matter how often you tell them to stop the negative self-talk or “shift the script,” they aren’t able to do it naturally.  This is very common.  Remember, negative self-talk isn’t something that stops or gets “fixed,” it’s a mental muscle that is built over time.  

When we ask our kids to move from negative thinking to positive self-talk, it tends to shut them down because it feels impossible. It’s too big a leap to take. It’s important to show them how to improve their internal conversation in small steps.

The most important FIRST STEP is to let your kid(s) know that how they feel is normal. Frequently kids think they’re different for feeling negatively. They aren’t. The difference is how long they stay in the negative. This is where you can help them practice moving from where they are now to a higher level of emotion – in small, manageable steps. 

The SECOND STEP is talk about the brain and how it works.  The brain has two jobs – to answer their questions and prove them right. The brain will take whatever they say and find proof from their past or current situation. So regardless of what they tell their brain about themselves, they will always be right. When they say, “I’m stupid,” their brain filters on that information and recalls all the ways they have been stupid. If they change what they look for, they will change how their brain filters and ultimately how they see themselves.  

The THIRD STEP is to ask, “How does it serve you (how does it help you) to talk negatively about yourself?” The response is typically “It doesn’t.” That is very logical, however, their feelings are emotional and have nothing to do with logic. Studies show the physical impact of an emotion only lasts 90 seconds, therefore anything they hold on to beyond that time is their choice.  

Sometimes it’s appropriate to provide examples of how it serves them. You could ask, “Does saying negative things help protect you if the outcome is not what you want?” “Does saying negative things about yourself soften the hurt if you say it before someone else does?”

In most circumstances, I don’t want to lead kids with yes or no answers, but in this case yes or no questions often get them thinking. It’s important for you to allow and accept if they push back and disagree.  The idea is to share possible reasons for their feelings so they discover their truth, not to convince them to agree with you. Also keep in mind, these are high level concepts; often kids won’t be able to land on something specific. Regardless, it will plant the seed of awareness, and that helps to build the mental muscle.

The FINAL STEP is to ask a series of questions to help their brain filter differently (be sure to give them time to answer between each question). For example, “What would be one step up from how you feel about yourself right now that is less negative? How would you describe that? What is one thing you can do right now (in this moment) to get to that next step?”

As parents, it’s our job to help them see they have power over how they feel about themselves, that their feelings are reinforced by what they say, and that they can change the negative talk by “shifting the script.” And remember, repetition is the only way to build a muscle.

Laura Treonze serves as Chief Life Strategist with LMT Consulting, which helps executives and teams create massive success through self-awareness. Her life-changing approach has transformed individuals and families and has redefined the way non-profits and corporations “do” business.