Mar 22

Parenting Corner – Coping with fears of school shootings

Q:  With the rise in recent school shootings, I’m not sure how to respond when my kids ask questions like why do kids shoot other kids? How do they get those guns? Why are the videos of the school after the shooting online?  It’s all senseless to me; what do I say to them?  

NOTE from LMT Consulting:  The advice below is for informational purposes only and represents the author’s opinion based on personal research and experience as an executive and life coach.  If you’re observing extreme behavior – sadness, fear or depression – from your child, seek professional help from a licensed professional.

A:  Unfortunately there are more questions around this topic than we, as parents, have answers.  Begin the conversation by acknowledging how wonderful it is your children came to you to talk about what they are seeing and hearing.  For some children it will be more natural to discuss difficult topics than it is for others; it’s important to encourage these conversations with your children regardless of their natural inclinations.  Recognizing their willingness to start and/or participate in the conversation will encourage future discussions.

Next it may be helpful to talk about mass school shootings in general.  Although we think of mass school shootings as a recent phenomenon, the earliest known school shooting happened on July 26, 1764.  Even more surprising are the current statistics around them given the heightened media attention; in general mass shootings (defined as an event where a lone attacker indiscriminately kills four or more people, in a public place, unrelated to gang activity or robbery) represent a fraction of 1% of all gun homicides.  This means mass school shootings, although more common today than 40 years ago, are considered “rare.”  The goal in sharing this information is to offer your kids context as you explore their feelings and concerns.

With that said, context does not bring back innocent lives lost, it does not calm a child’s fears, and it does not help children feel safe in school.  For that you must talk and explore.  It is important for you to continue the conversation with curiosity; do not make assumptions about how your kids are feeling; instead ask them lots of questions.  It’s also vital you withhold your thoughts on the topic until the end of the conversation, unintentionally we influence our kids when we voice our feelings first. (NOTE: This is easier said than done, so be kind to yourself during the process.)

Since it is impossible to control external circumstances, resist asking (or answering) general questions.  Instead flip those questions to help your children articulate the thoughts and feelings within their control.  Here are some examples of question flipping using your questions above:

• Why do kids shoot other kids?
  • “That’s a terrific question and I would be guessing if I gave an answer.  Instead, I want to know how do you feel about kids shooting other kids?”
  • “What did you learn from this shooting?”
• How do they get guns?
  • “I’m not sure how they get guns, what do you think about guns?”
  • “Would you want a gun?”
    • Let your kids express themselves.  This is an important time to remain quiet about your own beliefs, listen to your children and go deeper with more questions. If no, ask “why would you choose not to have a gun?”  If yes, “ask, why would you chose to own a gun?”
• Why are there videos of the school after the shooting online?
  • “Another great question, why do you think the videos are online?”
  • “What would you do if you had access to those videos?”
  • “How did you feel when you saw those videos?”
  • “What can you learn from the posting of those videos?”

Before concluding the conversation, get a sense of your children’s feelings about safety in THEIR school.  You can do that by asking, on a scale of 0-10 (0 = not feeling safe, 10 = feeling totally safe) how safe do you feel in YOUR school?  Anything 4 or below, consider talking to a licensed professional to help your children explore his/her fears and concerns.  From 5 to 8 ask your children “what it would take to be 1 or 2 stages above where you are now?” Breaking down progress in smaller pieces will allow them to consider little steps they can take toward feeling more comfortable in school.  Remember to redirect answers like “I want you there, Mommy” to options within their control.  For example, “I would love to be there, but how do you think your teacher would respond to having me in Grade (whatever grade s/he is in) everyday? What is something you can do on your own to feel safer at school?”  Allow them to get resourceful and support them as they explore finding an answer.  For answers 8 and above, say “great, what has made you feel safe?”  Their answer will give you insight to their rating and may help your other children who are feeling less safe to see another option for their own feelings.

Tragedies remain beyond our control.  It’s important to use context and conversation to help children (and adults) get clarity on how we want to respond and understand they have control over their feelings about the situation.

Laura Treonze, serves as Chief Life Strategist with LMT Consulting, which helps executives and teams create massive success through self-awareness. Her life-changing approach has transformed individuals and families and has redefined the way non-profits and corporations “do” business.