Sep 20

Parenting Corner – Coping with grief

Q.  My father recently died, and my children were very close to him so it’s hitting them especially hard.  Do you have any tips to help kids with their grief?

A.  I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Losing someone you love can be difficult for a family.  Below are some tips to help you and your kids work through your grief.

Self-care: The first and most important step you can take in helping your kids deal with their grief is being the example of how to grieve, which means giving yourself the space to mourn.  You, too, are dealing with a significant loss; take the time to process your feelings about it.  Consider the following questions:

• What am I feeling?  Get specific and push yourself to go beyond the initial thoughts of “sad.”  Own all of your feelings – mad, lonely, scared, relieved – there is no right or wrong to what you feel.  Allow all of it so the feelings can flow through you.
• What do I need during this time?  In order for you to be there for your kids you must take care of yourself first – like in an airplane, put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others – own your truth about what you need during this time and ask for it.
• Who can I turn to for help/support/to lend an ear?  You are so busy taking care of others, it’s easy to forget others are able, willing and eager to take care of you.  Identify your “go to” person/people and let them know you have them on your speed dial.

Encourage feelings:  For your children it’s important for them to know it’s ok to have whatever feelings they have about the loss of your father – sad, mad, scared, worried.  Help them explore their feelings through the questions below and encourage them to express their feelings in a way that is most comfortable for them and appropriate for their age level – conversation, writing, video, music, or art to name a few.

• What are you feeling? If they say sad, you want to go a little deeper by asking, what specifically has you sad about the loss of grandpa?
• It is natural for children to be scared of death. Since death is a natural part of life this is a great time to introduce comforting thoughts around the subject. If they are feeling scared ask, “If you weren’t scared of death what could you feel?” “If the place we go after earth is a wonderful place, what do you think it would look like?” “What do you think Grandpa would be doing there?”
• Ask your kids, “What can I do to support/help you during this time?”  This gives your kids the chance to think about what they need and the opportunity to ask for it.  It also takes the pressure off you trying to figure out what you can do to help them.  Allow them to answer and believe what they say – often kids needs are simple so don’t complicate them.

Celebrate Life:  Living in a physical world, when someone dies it is easy to focus on the loss of life and forget to celebrate the life lived.  A wonderful way to help you and your children process grief is to organize a celebration of your father’s life.  It can be a simple dinner with your immediate family sharing stories or a larger celebration with relatives and friends remembering, laughing and loving the times shared with your Dad.  Some ways of sharing stories could include but are not limited to:

• Impromptu stories:  Going around the table or room  sharing whatever comes to mind.  NOTE:  Allow the silence between stories – beautiful memories often come to the forefront when we allow space between words.
• Written Stories:  Request everyone write their story on an index card or piece of paper to be shared aloud (or not) and then stored in a special box for your and your kids to go to when someone is feeling sad or simply want to remember.
• Photos: Creating photo collages or a photo album that prompt stories you can share and help you remember all of the good times.

Keep Memories Alive:  Although your father (your kids’ grandfather) is no longer physically here, his spirit is eternal.  Life gets busy, so sit down and consciously decide how you want to keep his memory alive.  It could be as simple as continuing traditions or starting new ones that give you a chance to celebrate his life each year.

Laura Treonze, serves as Chief Life Strategist with LMT Consulting, which helps executives and teams create massive success through self-awareness. Her life-changing approach has transformed individuals and families and has redefined the way non-profits and corporations “do” business.