May 3
Parenting Corner – Dating emotionally unhealthy people
Q: My college-age son has a history of dating people who are emotionally unhealthy. He has done this since high school and I’m fearful of his choices long-term. How can I help him recognize the behavior before he gets into a serious relationship?
A: Great question! Although your desire to help your son undoubtedly comes from a good place, it is important to enter the conversation with curiosity which means you must remove your judgments about the people he dates. For example, your definition of “emotionally unhealthy” may be different from his; you want to understand his thinking before sharing your beliefs. The safest approach to this delicate subject is to focus on the future and get a sense of how he views an ideal relationship instead of revisiting past ones.
Begin by asking, “What are the characteristics of your ideal partner?” Be a good listener and avoid adding your own thoughts. Encourage him to be specific and come up with as many characteristics as possible. For most people it’s easy to come up with generic characteristics like “happy”; explore his answers deeper by asking, “What’s important about that for you?” or “How do you define happy in your partner?” Then ask the same question about relationships, “What are the characteristics of your ideal relationship? What’s important about that for you?” Helping him outline his ideal will give you insight to how he thinks about relationships and will help him articulate what he really wants. Since our brains filter on what it knows until directed differently, we often get more of what we have because we don’t take the time to articulate what we really want. You are helping him (re)direct his filter with this exercise.
Since it can be impossible to find EVERYTHING we want in one person, have him narrow down his characteristics to the top five most important. The goal is to create his “MUST haves” and establish a benchmark where not having these characteristics will have him move on. Finally ask, “How do you have to show up to attract your ideal partner/relationship?” This question will allow him to explore his own characteristics and determine if his current behavior is in alignment to attract what he says he wants.
It’s impossible to direct your son’s decisions especially as it relates to relationships so it’s important to be there to listen. This activity gives you a place of reference when he enters his next relationship and provides you an opening to dialogue that can gently remind him of the characteristics he said were important to him.
Laura Treonze, serves as Chief Life Strategist with LMT Consulting, which helps executives and teams create massive success through self-awareness. Her life-changing approach has transformed individuals and families and has redefined the way non-profits and corporations “do” business.
