Feb 22
Parenting Corner – My ex’s new girlfriend
Q: My ex-husband’s new girlfriend, who I have not met, is taking my daughter out shopping for the day. My daughter is excited but I’m totally uncomfortable with the situation, what can I do?
A: Great question! It’s important to first explore your discomfort. What specifically are you uncomfortable with? Are you uncomfortable because it’s your ex-husband’s girlfriend? Are you uncomfortable because she’s a stranger you haven’t met? Are you uncomfortable because they are going out for the day without your ex-husband? Owning your truth about your discomfort will help you uncover the best approach to dealing with the situation.
The second step is to be clear on the result you want. Even with the best of custody terms and a quality relationship with your child’s father, it is unlikely you are going to change the situation. The end goal needs to focus on answering the question, what does it take for me to increase my comfort level with my daughter spending the day with my ex-husband’s new girlfriend?
Remember, in any situation you have three options – blame, change your procedure, or change your perception. Most people blame circumstances or other people because it’s easier and removes personal responsibility. Some examples of blame in this situation could be “my ex-husband does this on purpose because he doesn’t respect me/he’s mean/he only thinks of himself.” Blaming is ineffective and keeps you “stuck” in your current situation. The other two options are more proactive. Changing your procedure in this case focuses on taking action which could include calling your ex-husband to discuss your discomfort. A call to complain isn’t going to serve anyone so be clear to ask for what you want from the conversation. A sample request could be meeting the girlfriend prior to the day or speaking with her on the phone. (NOTE: Be sure to get it scheduled. You don’t want to make a request that can easily be pacified with a yes and never happen.) The final option is to change your perception; this is where you have the most control. Although it is the simplest way to address the situation, it is not always the easiest. Be kind to yourself. This is a change for you and your daughter. Asking yourself open-ended questions can often help find emotional resolution. A question could be, “what can I do for me to get more comfortable with the situation?” Consider scheduling self-care (massage, bath, pedicure) while your daughter is gone or going out with a friend to take your mind off the situation. Also consider asking yourself, what has my daughter so excited about going with her Dad’s girlfriend? Sometimes seeing the situation through the eyes of a child can help uncover a positive perspective.
Regardless of how you approach the situation, it is vital to encourage your daughter’s excitement about going. That doesn’t mean you are insincere about your feelings. It’s ok to own your discomfort in a positive way. “It’s nice you are excited to go with Daddy’s girlfriend, as your Mom I would like to meet her before you go the same way I would meet the parents of your friends…” The key is to keep the conversation neutral by removing any judgment you have about the situation. The fact your daughter is open to spending time with her Dad’s girlfriend says a lot about the way she has learned to accept others. Focus on “acceptance” to get through this situation and the others that arise from a growing/changing family unit.
Laura Treonze, serves as Chief Life Strategist with LMT Consulting, which helps executives and teams create massive success through self-awareness. Her life-changing approach has transformed individuals and families and has redefined the way non-profits and corporations “do” business.
