Jun 28

Parenting Corner – I want my kids to get along!

Q:  My adult children are constantly arguing with each other during family gatherings.  I don’t know what I did wrong; all I want is for them to get along. What can I do?

A:  Great question! It’s natural for parents to want their children to “get along” but unfortunately it’s not something you can control.  In fact, behaviorally speaking, you should expect your kids to disagree (as children and adults).  Disagreement is natural, however an individual’s approach to disagreement – conflict, arguing, fighting, yelling – is where most family members experience communication challenges.  Although you can teach respectful disagreement by being an example of it, you can’t control your kid’s interpretation or implementation of your teaching.

This brings focus to your statement, “I don’t know what I did wrong.”  You cannot assume responsibility for your adult children’s behavior.  Remember your children are not a reflection of you; they are a reflection of themselves.  Releasing this burden allows them to take personal responsibility for their actions AND allows you to parent from a place of guidance instead of control.

What can you do?  You can control your own experience which means you must first define the experience you want.  For example, “I am enjoying time with my children and creating peace for myself regardless of the circumstances.”  Since your brain has two jobs – to answer your questions and prove you right – you want to use a statement that helps you get what you want instead of reflecting where you are in the moment.  You also want to use language that describes your individual experience and is not dependent on how your kids show up.

When disagreement occurs, mentally recall the statement and ask yourself, “what will it take for me to create peace right now?”  Some systems for success could include:

• Stepping out of the room and requesting one of your kids get you when the disagreement is over (NOTE:  It’s important to share this system with family members in advance of a situation.  You want them to know you aren’t leaving because you are angry, you are leaving to create peace for yourself and will gladly return when the situation is calm.)
• Setting standards for communication in your home by having disagreements take place outside (regardless of the weather) so your environment remains peaceful regardless of their behavior (NOTE: asking them to leave will also create a pattern interrupt for the disagreement which may help bring it to closure faster.)
• Creating a mantra you can say to yourself to drown out the disagreement and mentally remove yourself from the conversation. For example – “Peace surrounds me wherever I go; when I focus on internal peace I create peace for myself externally.”  

Whether we are dealing with young children or adult children, change begins with you defining your experience and creating systems to achieve your result.  Stay resourceful in finding the system for success that works best for you so you can enjoy time together.

Laura Treonze, serves as Chief Life Strategist with LMT Consulting, which helps executives and teams create massive success through self-awareness. Her life-changing approach has transformed individuals and families and has redefined the way non-profits and corporations “do” business.