Mar 1
Parenting Corner – I’m tired of being the bad guy
Q: I am the sole disciplinarian in the house. As the mom it’s not easy for me but I feel the lessons I’m instilling are important for the kids. At the same time I’m tired (physically and emotionally) of always being the bad guy, what can I do?
A: Great question! In an ideal world, discipline would be shared equally among parents but the reality is it rarely happens that way. Sometimes one parent is behaviorally more natural to discipline; sometimes one parent grew up with stricter parents so it’s customary for them to take on the role; other times it’s a matter of proximity when one parent works long hours and the other parent is required to provide consistent discipline; and sometimes it’s because you’re a single parent and don’t have a partner to share those responsibilities with. Regardless of the reason for your role, it’s important to explore your feelings on discipline and the role you want. Ask yourself “what do I want my role to be as it relates to disciplining the kids? On a scale of 0-10 how important do I feel the lessons I’m instilling are taught by me?” If you feel the lessons you are teaching are important AND that you are the only person who can teach them, then you cannot expect your spouse to step in occasionally when you are tired or take over the role unless you discuss it in advance and create a plan for implementation. Also, if you want discipline to be done “your way” then you are the one who has to do it.
It’s important to note, nothing has any meaning until we give it meaning, therefore your language around “always being the bad guy” is the meaning you give the situation. Should you decide to hold on to your role as sole disciplinarian it will be important for you to own your decision and consciously change the story you have around the role. Consider creating a mantra that supports you in your efforts such as, “Even though disciplining the kids isn’t easy for me I am confident the lessons I’m instilling will help them be stronger, healthier, happier and more resourceful as they grow into adulthood.” Use this as a pattern interrupt when you feel like you are “being the bad guy.” As with all mantras, keep it to one sentence, write it in your own language and make it easy to remember.
If you decide you need help, it’s important to ask for it. The greatest challenge around communication in relationships is when one person complains about a situation and expects the person listening to know what they expect from the complaint. Complaining may release your emotions, but it never solves the situation. If you want the role of disciplinarian to be shared with your spouse, you need to ask for what you want and create an implementation plan that you share with your children. Equally important, once you ask for and receive help you must allow him to discipline his way. Although it is important you remain united on areas of discipline and standards for consequences, beyond that you can’t expect him to do it your way nor should you usurp his new authority by questioning his mode of discipline in front of the kids (those conversations MUST be saved for behind closed doors). Change your perception of your role or ask for a change, either way the result will be relief around the role.
Laura Treonze, serves as Chief Life Strategist with LMT Consulting, which helps executives and teams create massive success through self-awareness. Her life-changing approach has transformed individuals and families and has redefined the way non-profits and corporations “do” business.
