Sep 12

Parenting Corner – My daughter got caught cheating (re-post)

Q:  My daughter got caught cheating on her history test and was sent to the dean.  She’s a generally good kid, so I don’t understand why she would do this.  To make matters worse, I volunteer at the school so this is extremely embarrassing; what do I do?  

A:  Great question! First it’s important to look at your language around the situation.  You said “she is generally a good kid”; as parents we must remind our children that a mistake, misjudgment, or negative experience doesn’t define who we are unless we let it.  You know your daughter remains a “good kid” despite this lapse in judgment, so use language that judges the action not your child; she made a bad choice.

Second, you mentioned as a volunteer you’re “extremely embarrassed.”  It’s important to recognize your willingness to own your feelings.  This is terrific self-awareness to exhibit for your daughter.  With that being said, you need to ask yourself, “What is the meaning I give about my daughter cheating on a test?  How does this impact me and my volunteering at school?”  Often feelings of embarrassment result from an antiquated notion that your children are a reflection of you and how you parent.  The reality is you can guide your child, but you cannot control her. Once you remove that burden, you can begin to talk with her about standards, integrity and reputation.

Next, it’s important to remain curious and talk to her about those three topics.  Here are some sample questions to help you remain open during the conversation:

• What specifically happened?  (You want to make sure you hear your child’s side of the story.  Be careful to withhold comments; instead acknowledge what she is saying with comforting language like, “I hear you” and “ok, what happened next?” The goal of this part of the dialogue is to give her time to feel heard and give you time to understand her thinking around cheating.
• What prevented you from taking an honest test?  (Do not ask “why did you cheat” because that language naturally puts people on the defensive and/or shuts them down when your goal is to keep the conversation open and communicative.)
• What is your standard for cheating?   How do you think cheating should be handled?
• How do you define integrity?  How does cheating impact your thoughts on integrity?
• What characteristics would you use to define your reputation as a student? How does cheating impact that reputation?
• What will you do differently going forward?
• How can I support you?  (this is a neutral question that tells your child although I don’t agree with this decision, I am here to support you unconditionally.)

NOTE:  If your daughter didn’t tell you she cheated and you found out through a school authority, it’s important to explore her decision there as was well by asking:

• What prevented you from telling me yourself?
• What can I do to have you feel comfortable coming to me if this were to happen again? (This question tells your child mistakes are ok and although you don’t want it to happen again, it says they could come to you even if it did. Hopefully this will give your child a sense they can come to you with other issues as well.)

Finally, you cannot change the past, she cheated.  Therefore it’s vital to get curious and be open in your communication with her about those three topics so you can guide her going forward.

Laura Treonze, serves as Chief Life Strategist with LMT Consulting, which helps executives and teams create massive success through self-awareness. Her life-changing approach has transformed individuals and families and has redefined the way non-profits and corporations “do” business.