May 31

Parenting Corner – My daughter says she’s bi-sexual

Q.  My 14-year old daughter announced she is bi-sexual.  I want her to know I support her but at such a young age I’m not sure she understands what it all means, maybe it’s just a fad or a phase.  How do I talk to her about this knowing our relationship has been strained during the past couple of years?

A.  Great question! It’s wonderful your daughter came to you to share such an important announcement.  Although you mentioned your relationship is strained, her confidence in sharing her sexual preference at the age of 14 says a lot about her and you.

This means your language around the subject is vital and it will be important to remove your beliefs about her announcement being a “fad” or “phase.”  Although those thoughts are understandable, that language unintentionally discredits your daughter’s sense of herself which could result in self-doubt or insecurity and will likely reinforce whatever strain already exists in your relationship.  Instead, the goal must be to help her increase confidence and find clarity.  A language shift could include, “it’s natural for teens to explore and question their sexuality.”  This small change will create a mindset of total acceptance within you and begin to move you toward an improved relationship with your daughter.

The quality of your conversation with your daughter will depend on your ability to be a good listener.  Set aside an hour alone with her without distractions.  Let her know your time together will not be you questioning her announcement but instead is an opportunity for you to understand her, what she is feeling, and how you can support her. Go in with curiosity and ask questions with the intention of hearing her answers instead of responding to them.

Some talking points for your conversation may include:

• I’m grateful/honored you felt confident sharing your sexual preference/bi-sexuality with me/us.
• Since it’s natural for teens to explore and question their sexuality, help me understand what being bisexual means for you?
• When did you first realize you were bisexual?
• On a scale of 1-10 (1 being not comfortable, 10 being totally comfortable) how comfortable are you sharing your sexuality with extended family? with friends?  with other adults?
• What do you look for in a relationship?  (Use this conversation as an opportunity to understand your young adult at a deeper level.)
• Are you currently in a relationship?
• At what point in your relationship would you want him/her to meet us? (This question is universal and should be asked of all young adults – it shows respect for them and tempers expectations for you.)
• When in a relationship do you feel it’s the right time to become sexually active?
• Obviously as your Mom I care about your safety so I will ask, is your relationship sexually active?   (Some additional “Sex Talk” questions are available here – scroll to the bottom)
• Do you have any questions about your body or sexuality I can help you explore/find answers to? (This opens up lines of communication and lets her know you may not have all the answers but will help her find them.)
• What can I do to support you?  (This is the most important question you will ask your daughter.)  Allow for silence.  If she says, “nothing” respond by saying, “Ok, know I am here if or when you need me.”

Recognizing her strength in telling you, exploring her feelings about where she is now and accepting her exactly as she is will open up the lines of communication between you; and, continuing to approach your daughter with curiosity and support gives your relationship room to grow during these important teenage years.

Laura Treonze, serves as Chief Life Strategist with LMT Consulting, which helps executives and teams create massive success through self-awareness. Her life-changing approach has transformed individuals and families and has redefined the way non-profits and corporations “do” business.