Jul 26

Parenting Corner – Our kids are miserable at our summer house!

Q. We decided to buy the summer house we’ve always dreamed about and our 14 and 16-year-old kids are miserable.  My oldest daughter (a new driver) is driving home 2 hours twice a week to work a summer job and to be with her friends.  I’m against it but feel bad we’ve moved them away for the summer. What do I do?

A. Great question! It’s interesting you “feel” bad for your kids when from an outsider’s perspective it appears you are providing them a wonderful new experience.  Remember, nothing has any meaning until you give it meaning.  What are your beliefs about living your dream?  It’s important to assess how much you value your own wants, desires, and dreams over those of your children.  Kids are more resilient than today’s parents realize and yet many adults are arranging schedules, adjusting lives and sacrificing dreams for their children.  Buying your summer house is a healthy way to maintain balance; it’s vital you enjoy it and fully engage your kids in the new experience with you.

Keep in mind your kids’ resistance to a summer move is natural.  The logical side of a child’s brain doesn’t develop until their mid-twenties, so expect their response to be emotional and don’t try to have them see it logically.  Couple brain development with hormonal changes and you have highly charged beings who need parental influence to explore beyond what they are feeling in the moment. Help them self-discover ways to enjoy the summer house with you. Some questions to ask and suggestions include:

• What would make the transition away from home easier for you? (do not settle for answers that include technology or have you buying them something – push for answers that include family time, new experiences or provide emotional support)
• What activities do you picture yourself doing this summer at the new house?
• What job could you see yourself doing in (name new town)? (get your 16-year-old thinking of ways to make money/meet new people in your new community)
• Consider allowing your kids to invite a friend from home to the new house for a couple of days

There are long-term benefits to creating circumstances that force your kids to be resourceful. Getting away from the “norm” at home encourages them to create new experiences, make new friends and adapt to a new environment.  It also teaches them how to overcome the resistance they naturally felt at the start.  All are lessons that will serve them well as they look toward high school and beyond.

Finally, you are the parent and it’s important your kids understand that is your role. It’s not your job to give them everything they want, it’s your job to keep them safe and teach them important life lessons that will serve them as adults.  Your 16-year-old driving long distance as a new driver is not safe for her or others on the road with her.  Re-framing your thoughts about moving them away for the summer from “feeling bad” to “creating a wonderful new experience” will allow you the perspective you need to get them excited about the change for the summer.

Laura Treonze, serves as Chief Life Strategist with LMT Consulting, which helps executives and teams create massive success through self-awareness. Her life-changing approach has transformed individuals and families and has redefined the way non-profits and corporations “do” business.