Mar 7
Top 4 Lies We Tell Our Kids
Since most of us are vague with our language (there are more than 171,000 words words in the dictionary and the average person uses 20,000 of them) it’s no surprise that as parents we say lots of things with good intentions that send the wrong message to our kids. Here are the top four lies we tell our children:
Hard work pays off. Think about it, have you ever worked hard on a project and had your boss end it because there wasn’t funding? Have you ever put your heart and soul into a pitch and had it rejected because it wasn’t what the client was looking for? It happens all the time. We’re jaded as adults because we were told as kids that hard work pays off and it doesn’t in a lot of situations. Despite that truth, we perpetuate this dysfunctional system by repeating the same words to our own children.
Hard work doesn’t always pay off AND IT’S OK. There will be times when your kid will study really hard and not get the A. However, once effort is associated with an expected outcome they set themselves up for disappointment. Instead teach them that applying themselves to their fullest creates a strong work ethic, and doing their best builds personal integrity. Being resourceful, working smart, and not being wedded to an outcome will take them farther in life than working hard. Plus you will see them appreciate the process more and accept outcomes better regardless of the results.
It’s going to be ok. As parents we want to soften our kids’ disappointment so we use language like, “it’s ok” and “you’re going to be fine.” Those words, although well intended, brush off whatever your child is feeling in the moment and indicate there’s a happy ending to every story. The situation doesn’t magically become ok because you say it will. It’s important to equip your kids with the tools to make the best of the situation and that takes communication.
The truth is: Nothing has meaning until we give it meaning. Understanding your child’s meaning instead of creating it for them allows you insight into how they think. Go in asking questions like, how are you feeling right now? What would you like to be feeling right now? What does it take to go from where you are now to where you want to be? How can I support you? Often we provide support in the way we like to be supported. The last question is key because it tells your child you care and gives him/her an opportunity share how they like to be supported.
You need good grades to get into college. This one drives me crazy!! No you don’t. If your kid is resourceful there are lots of different ways to get into college. Let’s be honest, parents and educators use this “threat” in hopes of getting kids to study harder (there’s that word again – hard). The irony is according to college admission counselors the majority of students get good grades, participate in multiple sports and activities and volunteer–so they all look the same on paper. Isn’t it time we stop the lie and help our kids create a truth that will serve them?
There are countless stories of students who attended their dream college through unconventional methods. I read one recently about a student who wanted to study psychology at an Ivy League school. He couldn’t get into the program with his mediocre grades, so he got resourceful. While researching the university, he discovered the GPA standards were lower for less popular areas of study including music. His grandfather was a cellist and taught him how to play, so he applied to school through the music program. It took him a little longer to graduate because he had to start in music and slowly transfer to the major he really wanted, but he went to his dream school and graduated with a degree in psychology.
You need the same thing to get into college that you need in life – commitment to what you say you want and the resourcefulness to get it. Focus on that message with your kids instead of arbitrary grades and they’ll leave high school with far more than a degree.
All that matters is you’re happy. This is a beautiful sentiment with absolutely no meaning. For example, if vaping all day and hanging out with friends is what makes your kid happy, is that really all that matters? Of course not. “Happy” is a broad term we often use but never define so it stays a moving target that feels close but somehow always out of reach. It’s no wonder kids are depressed; they don’t have the tools to create their own happiness but as parents we keep telling them they should be happy.
Ask your child questions that help them own how they feel and give them questions to work through the stuff that doesn’t feel “happy.” You could ask, what is happiness? How do you define happiness? Have them go deeper with examples. Once they provide examples, ask, what does that mean to you? How would that make you happy? Remain neutral as they answer. Don’t judge what they say or try to fill in missing spots. Stay quiet, observe their thinking process and body language. The final question could be, what would it take for you to reach your “happy” right now? This pushes them to become resourceful and gets them thinking in terms of what they want instead of where they are. By asking these questions you will learn more about your child than you ever thought they would share.
Many of us were taught as parents we should know the right answer so we unintentionally (and intentionally) spend a lot of time telling our kids what to do, how to think, and what to feel. All of that “knowing” comes from our own perspective and experience, which may be valid but it is not the only truth. What changes when as parents we use the gift of language to ask questions, explore our kids thoughts and feelings, and encourage them to come up with their own answers? From personal experience I can tell you you will have deeper and more honest relationships. Try it on and let me know how it works for you.
